Hey, don't say that! Just because it happened in your Twilight Town and not the other one, it doesn't mean what you felt wasn't real. And you know, when we find a way to fix everything, I bet Hayner, Pence and Olette are really gonna want to get to know you.
[He shoots Roxas a big (if not slightly sleepy) grin]
[It's a little scary to think of trying to be friends with the real versions of Hayner, Pence and Olette. What if they don't like him? What if they only see him as that weird kid in the black coat who skulked around their town?
...but his heart tells him that Sora is right. He wants to believe it.]
[He sits up a bit straighter, adopting a more thoughtful pose.]
I mean... I kinda didn't really know what to think when I gave it up, I just knew I had to save Kairi and it didn't matter if I had to lose my heart to do it. I didn't really thing about what was gonna happen afterwards.
[Oof, that's - that's probably not the right way of putting it, he realises.]
Sorry. I didn't mean- I guess I woulda just stayed a Heartless and then maybe someone would put an end to me and that woulda been that. But it's weird, when I was a Heartless, I didn't really want to steal anyone's heart. I just wanted to make sure my friends were okay.
[It was an honest answer and besides, Roxas didn't have another one in mind that he wanted or expected. The question was probably silly, anyway. From Sora's perspective, he'd have stayed a dumb shadow or turned back into his regular self. It's probably hard for him to imagine his mind and memories continuing on as a Nobody, because if they had, then he'd be Roxas, except not the Roxas that exists now, another one.
That makes Roxas' head hurt a little.]
I think about it sometimes. Because if you think about it, we used to be the same person, but then you split yourself in two and I became someone completely different because I didn't have any of the memories Nobodies usually do.
If you hadn't come back, I'd still exist, but...I wouldn't exist, because I'd be more like you. Sort of.
Wow, wouldn't that be kinda weird? If you were like me, I mean. D'you think you woulda gone looking for Riku and Kairi and not been friends with Axel and-
[He catches himself before he says the other name he's only just learned is so important to his Nobody; Xion is a part of Roxas' story that he knows he doesn't have the answers for, not when he still has so many questions about her himself. It's not fair that neither Roxas nor Axel have even their memories of her, and it's not his place to try and explain someone he couldn't even begin to understand, not knowing her himself.]
-the others?
[He looks thoughtful.]
Man. I can't picture you acting like me. That'd be real weird.
[Roxas nods along as Sora speaks. It would be weird, extremely weird, even if that's how things should have gone. It probably says something about their lives that the abnormal way things did go isn't the strangest option.]
Yeah, it would be. I think that's cuz even if I started out as part of you, even if we're technically the same person, starting out with no memories meant I grew into someone else. I couldn't be you now if I tried.
[Is that why he didn't just fuse into Sora when they merged, inextricable on every level? Or is it because of his own heart, the one he grew? He'll probably never know.]
If I had gotten your memories...I don't know, maybe I'd have looked for them. I'd have known they existed, I just don't know if I'd have missed them. [Which is terribly sad. He rests his hand on his chest for a moment.] I don't know when I first started to be able to feel things, but it wasn't that first day. I only remember a little, but when Xemnas found me after I was born, there was nothing.
I guess... you can't really miss someone if you don't know they're missing. Like... how I would miss you now if you went back to sleep, but I couldn't miss you before I knew about you.
[He scratches the back of his neck then ponders over the next part.]
I can't imagine what it musta been like having nothing. As far back as I can remember, Riku's always been there, and my mom and dad... and not being able to feel- gee, you couldn't even be sad that you couldn't feel because you couldn't feel sad about it! That's wild.
[He smiles sadly.]
So what was the first thing you remembered feeling?
[What would it have been like, to remember a friend but not feel friendship? It's not something he wants to think about, so Roxas pushes the thought away and smiles a little at Sora instead. He'd miss him, too.]
The first thing? [He thinks about it for a few seconds.] ...confused, if that counts. That whole first week or so was really hazy—my number and my name were the only things I could hold onto. I barely knew who the others were.
[He knows Sora can't recall this particular piece of his memories. It was too indistinct to share. Had the other Organization members felt the same, when they first became Nobodies, or had it been his total separation from his previous self that affected Roxas so badly? He's never asked. It's such a personal question, he's not sure he ever would.]
But, if I think about the first feeling that was really real, and really mine...it might have been one of the first days me and Axel went up to the clock tower and had ice cream. It was the first time I ever laughed. It was nice.
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[He shoots Roxas a big (if not slightly sleepy) grin]
Cuz you know what?
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...but his heart tells him that Sora is right. He wants to believe it.]
What?
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You're somebody who's really worth knowing, and having as a friend.
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You're a total sap, you know that?
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[See how not bothered he is by that? He almost wears it like a badge of honour.]
I can take it. There's worse things to be.
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[Roxas laughs. Yeah, there are definitely worse things to be. Besides...if he weren't a big sap, Sora wouldn't be himself.]
Hey, Sora... [He's quiet for a moment.] Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you never got your heart back?
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[He sits up a bit straighter, adopting a more thoughtful pose.]
I mean... I kinda didn't really know what to think when I gave it up, I just knew I had to save Kairi and it didn't matter if I had to lose my heart to do it. I didn't really thing about what was gonna happen afterwards.
[Oof, that's - that's probably not the right way of putting it, he realises.]
Sorry. I didn't mean- I guess I woulda just stayed a Heartless and then maybe someone would put an end to me and that woulda been that. But it's weird, when I was a Heartless, I didn't really want to steal anyone's heart. I just wanted to make sure my friends were okay.
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[It was an honest answer and besides, Roxas didn't have another one in mind that he wanted or expected. The question was probably silly, anyway. From Sora's perspective, he'd have stayed a dumb shadow or turned back into his regular self. It's probably hard for him to imagine his mind and memories continuing on as a Nobody, because if they had, then he'd be Roxas, except not the Roxas that exists now, another one.
That makes Roxas' head hurt a little.]
I think about it sometimes. Because if you think about it, we used to be the same person, but then you split yourself in two and I became someone completely different because I didn't have any of the memories Nobodies usually do.
If you hadn't come back, I'd still exist, but...I wouldn't exist, because I'd be more like you. Sort of.
[That makes Roxas' head hurt a lot.]
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[He catches himself before he says the other name he's only just learned is so important to his Nobody; Xion is a part of Roxas' story that he knows he doesn't have the answers for, not when he still has so many questions about her himself. It's not fair that neither Roxas nor Axel have even their memories of her, and it's not his place to try and explain someone he couldn't even begin to understand, not knowing her himself.]
-the others?
[He looks thoughtful.]
Man. I can't picture you acting like me. That'd be real weird.
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Yeah, it would be. I think that's cuz even if I started out as part of you, even if we're technically the same person, starting out with no memories meant I grew into someone else. I couldn't be you now if I tried.
[Is that why he didn't just fuse into Sora when they merged, inextricable on every level? Or is it because of his own heart, the one he grew? He'll probably never know.]
If I had gotten your memories...I don't know, maybe I'd have looked for them. I'd have known they existed, I just don't know if I'd have missed them. [Which is terribly sad. He rests his hand on his chest for a moment.] I don't know when I first started to be able to feel things, but it wasn't that first day. I only remember a little, but when Xemnas found me after I was born, there was nothing.
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[He scratches the back of his neck then ponders over the next part.]
I can't imagine what it musta been like having nothing. As far back as I can remember, Riku's always been there, and my mom and dad... and not being able to feel- gee, you couldn't even be sad that you couldn't feel because you couldn't feel sad about it! That's wild.
[He smiles sadly.]
So what was the first thing you remembered feeling?
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The first thing? [He thinks about it for a few seconds.] ...confused, if that counts. That whole first week or so was really hazy—my number and my name were the only things I could hold onto. I barely knew who the others were.
[He knows Sora can't recall this particular piece of his memories. It was too indistinct to share. Had the other Organization members felt the same, when they first became Nobodies, or had it been his total separation from his previous self that affected Roxas so badly? He's never asked. It's such a personal question, he's not sure he ever would.]
But, if I think about the first feeling that was really real, and really mine...it might have been one of the first days me and Axel went up to the clock tower and had ice cream. It was the first time I ever laughed. It was nice.